I miss being in love
After a long weekend like this, especially with perfect cuddle weather, I really miss being in love. I miss having someone to watch movies with. Or having someone to talk to, or play with, when I am still awake at 2 am on a school night. I stayed awake to watch Love Actually tonight. I've seen it before and I don't know why I had to watch it tonight, but for some reason I did. It's a reminder of all of the different parts of a relationship - good and bad. Truth is, I don't believe I should be in a relationship right now. I belong to several online dating sites, but I don't really put the effort into them because I feel like I should get myself together first, before I try to be a part of a couple. But I do miss being part of a couple. There is a war inside my head. One side thinks that having someone in my life would inspire me and motivate me to be the best that I can be. Isn't that what we all want, someone who brings out our best selves? The other side thinks that I need to motivate myself and do it for me, or else the changes won't stick and won't last. I know what's wrong with me - I suffer from depression and low self esteem, I'm overweight, and currently I am somewhat of a slob. I am paying people a lot of money to help me with these issues, but I still can't seem to fix them. So I continue to work on them. At the same time I know that I am beautiful, very intelligent and everything that is "wrong" with me can be fixed. I want someone who loves me just the way I am, yet I don't love myself just the way I am, so how can someone else?So this all leads me to wonder if maybe an online relationship, a virtual boyfriend is just what I need, while I work on myself. We can both get the giddy happy feelings that come with getting emails and texts and generally knowing someone is thinking about you. We can experience the hope and excitement of a new relationship. But we don't have to have the pressure of meeting in person and worrying. The first date anxieties for me are always- "will he think I'm fatter than my pictures?", "is the fact that I'm on anti-depressants going to freak him out", or "is he only interested in sex?" I'm always honest about what I look like because I never want to see the look of disappointment on someone's face when they meet me. Everyone has a type - I am a Marilyn Monroe type body. Not everyone likes that. Some men really like that and are much more interested in sex then dating. I've been through the phase where I've had casual sex secretly hoping that it would turn into a relationship. I'm too old for that now.So I want to start slow - and talk a LOT before I meet anyone. I'm white, divorced, with kids. I am heavier than I look. I look like a curvy size 12/14. My inner MILF is a size 10. She is also my ideal size. I will never be smaller than that. I have only dated white men. Not latino, black, asian, middle eastern or any other ethnicity. I'm just only attracted to white men. But hey, it's virtual, so you can be whatever you want to be. Unless you hope to meet someday and not have me be really disappointed.
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